


The Five Vetting Process

by jaz_hop



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Apocalypse is over, Family Feels, Good Parent Allison Hargreeves, Good Sibling Allison Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves Deserves Better, Klaus Hargreeves Whump, Luther Is Trying, Multi, No Incest, No Smut, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Protective Number Five | The Boy, Siblings being nosy little shits, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaz_hop/pseuds/jaz_hop
Summary: In which Five is incredibly invested in the love lives of his siblings, because they're obviously too stupid to choose anyone worthy enough to be their partner. Otherwise known as Five being stupidly over-protective, and incredibly invasive in the hopes of keeping his siblings safe and happy... even if he is being a stalker and a dick about it.Post Season 2- except the Sparrow Academy doesn't exist and the timeline is mostly the same.
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Allison & Ben & Diego & Klaus & Luther & Vanya, Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Everyone, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves
Comments: 55
Kudos: 869
Collections: Fave The Umbrella Academy, The Umbrella Academy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the first chapter in a bunch of chapters where Five is going to be an incredibly/unhealthily overprotective little gremlin. He means well... but you know how things get with this family XD

Klaus groaned as he woke up and stretched his limbs. Ah, he missed the scent of 2019. The smell of smog and pollution in the morning was incredibly welcome. After taking a moment to stretch again and then moving to his counter to make him, and Five a cup of coffee, he realised one thing. The pot had been used, a cup was in the sink, and Five wasn’t there.

“Five?” he called out.

No response. He frowned and looked at the clock. It was only 9am which was late for the old geezer, but pretty early for him. Five usually waited for Klaus though, ready with some mildly alarming and disturbing breakfast like pickles on waffles, or eggs with maple syrup. Klaus would _politely_ throw it discreetly into the bin, and just eat some toast once Five left to do whatever it was he did all day.

“Now that I think about it… what does he do all day?”

He was received with silence. It made him pause and feel his heart clench in absolute devastation. Ben wasn’t there. He had been taking his brother’s ghost for granted all these years. Now that Ben wasn’t there to nag him at all times of the day, he felt incredibly lonely and more often than not lost on what to do with himself. Ben was the one who had his head screwed on straight. Sometimes he wondered if he was just replacing Ben with Five, to fill the void inside of him. If he was, it certainly wasn’t working.

“Ah time to go find that little psycho,” he mumbled, taking a swing of milk straight from the carton.

* * *

“Your children are really intense,” David laughed, a little nervousness coming out from his voice.

Allison crossed her arms and sent her date a look of confusion. Children? Claire wasn’t really intense. In fact she was rather sweet until it came to bed-time. She wondered if she was raising a future insomniac. But besides her bad sleeping habits, and her occasional temper tantrums, Claire was a sweet child. Intense wasn’t a word she associated with her.

“Are we talking about the same Claire?” Allison chuckled.

“No your daughter’s sweet. It’s your son… he’s rather intimidating?”

Son? Then it struck Allison and she let out a breath of disbelief before kissing David on the cheek and showing him out. This was the third time! How had she not seen it? All of her dates were running away from her like she was threatening them with castration or something. The moment David turned on the car, she closed the door and stormed up stairs and opened the door to Claire’s room to catch Five of all people braiding her hair.

“Five, what are you doing here?” she asked, crossing her arms in irritation.

“Braiding your daughter’s hair. Can’t you see?” he asked, haughtily arrogant as usual.

“Uncle Five is really good with hair!” Claire added.

Allison took a moment to check his work… and she was right. Five was working on a dutch braid around both ends and it looked flawless. But that wasn’t the point! She needed to get back on topic!

“Five how long have you been coming here for without me knowing?” she asked a little impatiently.

“Uncle Five comes to do my hair every now and then when you’re playing with those boring men,” Claire said defensively.

_What?_

“Claire honey, I need a moment with your uncle.”

“But mommy—”

“Now,” she insisted.

“Just let me tie this up and I’ll be right with you,” Five said before he took a long minute to tie a pink bow up the back, meticulously before patting Claire on the head like he would a dog and leaving.

Allison would have been smiling fondly at this display of genuine family love, if it weren’t for the fact that Five was sneaking into her house without her knowledge. She took a moment to compose herself, reminding herself that he was stuck in a wasteland with no human contact for 45 years and would therefore be a little less understanding of normal human courtesy.

“Five, you know I appreciate what you’re doing with Claire, but I don’t think you should come into my house unannounced,” she said chidingly.

“Claire doesn’t mind,” he said rolling his eyes.

“That’s not—anyway why can’t you just open the door and come in like a normal person?”

“Well I heard from Klaus that it’s rude to interrupt dates,” Five replied, looking increasingly irritated. “Why does this require a lecture?”

“Because—wait a minute, what is this about dates? Why do you only come around when I’m having a date?” Allison asked indignantly.

“Because if you haven’t noticed, you and the rest of this dysfunctional family have the combined IQ of a Neanderthal on crack!”

Allison made a sound of indignation but Five continued on, his jaw locking together.

“The last time Diego had a girlfriend, she double crossed him for the commission. Klaus fell in love with someone who died, and god knows how many STD’s the man has from his other flings. You were in a failing relationship and then _committed_ to someone out of your own _timeline_. And Vanya dated a murderous psychopath that caused the end of the _world_. So sue me, if I have to be the sane one in this family and vet all of your choices!”

Allison didn’t have words. The gall of her brother. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out and all she could think of was a biting insult. She wanted to tell him he was being a hypocrite. He had no right to judge her choices when he was dating a _mannequin_ for 30 years. She was about to call him out when she stopped herself. Dolores was out of the question. She couldn't bring Five's relationship with it into this conversation, because it was more than just a crush for him. Dolores was what kept him together, and unlike Diego, Allison knew when to draw the line. So she decided to act like the adult she was, even though she wanted so desperately to say more.

“Goddammit Five! This isn’t any of your business, and even if it was, I would tell you to stop this unhealthy obsession of yours with the Apocalypse. It’s been 9 months! It’s over! You need to let it go!”

“I have. This is unrelated—”

“Unrelated my ass,” she snarled. “Also even if it wasn't related, you have no right scaring off my dates. This is my _personal_ life. I’m an adult who can make my own decisions.”

“Which I would understand if you weren’t my _siblings_ ,” he said a little condescendingly.

What was that even supposed to mean? Allison was about to bite back a reply of how he wasn’t really any better than them when the door opened, and Claire walked out with tears in her eyes. Both her and Five paused in their tracks, and silence ensued as the child sniffled.

“Are you fighting again?” Claire asked.

“No sweetie, come here,” Allison cooed gently as she picked up her girl.

“I don’t want you to keep fighting all the time,” Claire whispered.

“Great now you’ve made her cry,” Five snorted.

Allison sent her brother a warning glare, and he wisely shut up. Despite being the oldest of the bunch, Five really had a way of acting immature at times. Maybe it was the lack of social skills, his closed off-ness, and his penchant for trying to get the last word in. Currently Allison didn’t care about his age. She knew where he was coming from. How could she not? Despite being a prickly old bastard, Five was obsessed with keeping his siblings safe. Without the Apocalypse this was all he had.

“We’ll stop fighting ok. Uncle Five will be leaving now, and the next time he comes in will be through the _front door_ ,” she said with emphasis and a pointed look.

Five sighed but otherwise nodded. “Fine,” he bit out, “but Dolores wants me to keep up my skills. I will need Claire’s fine hair for practice.”

Allison couldn’t help but smile fondly at that. “Sure. Next time, I’ll join. Never knew you were so good with hair.”

Five smirked, which was the closest he got to ever looking entirely happy. Allison took it. A little bit of communication was all this family really needed. Who knew that was the best way to stop the end of the world, huh.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luther's on the road to self-discovery. In the meantime, it's up to Five to make sure he isn't being fooled. Klaus is just around for the ride.

Luther was having an incredibly chaotic couple of months. It started of pretty terrible. He knew his body was more than a little disproportionate, but the amount of people that commented on it with barely hidden mocking amusement was more than a little hurtful. Just another reminder of the price he had to pay for being so wilfully ignorant of his father’s abuse. A part of him was a little jealous of the others for being smart enough to see it before he did—but he thought maybe this was some form of karmic retribution for how terribly he had acted towards Vanya and his other siblings. It was just like him to overestimate his importance.

He would have succumbed to his depression and drunk his way through it, enticed by the idea of partying till he forgot just like Klaus did, if it weren’t for Vanya of all people telling him to move on as a form of sticking it to dad. He needed to make something of himself so he wouldn’t fall back to being nothing without Reginald. A part of him was vindictive enough to do it solely to stick it to his father’s memory, but another part of him, a bigger part, wanted to do it for _himself._ It was crazy to think that he had lived for 30 years and only now was he doing something solely for himself, but here he was.

“Luther”

He turned around and stopped putting away the crates he was working on. The warehouse he worked at stacked away large items like Tv’s and washing machines; things normal people really couldn’t pick up without a truck. Luther made the manual aspect of labour a lot easier for the workers there and so he was hired rather quickly. 9 months of working in a rather low-paying entry job had made him feel unnaturally accomplished. He knew it wasn’t anything special, that this was the kind of job teenagers did when they finally finished school, but to him it was an incredible steppingstone. So when he turned to the manager and she smiled up at him, handing him her vest, he felt his heart jump in his chest.

“Emily,” he greeted.

“Hey there big man, I got some good news for you. I’m transferring to management and it looks like you’re nabbing yourself a managerial role now. Yay! Congratulations! Woohoo!” she cheered, doing her cute little laugh, and pumping her fists up in the air.

Luther took the vest, unsure of what he was more enraptured by, his sudden new promotion, or the beautiful redhead in front of him with her gorgeous smile, and her awkwardly peppy attitude. He was lost for words, and so he opened his mouth a few times and found himself speechless.

“I—I don’t know what to say,” he said, chuckling in elation.

“How about a thank you,” she laughed.

“Thank you! I mean, thank you so much. I can’t even find the words,” he said, scratching the back of his head as he palmed the vest.

“Don’t say anything big man. You always do your work so diligently. No slacking off, very quick to listen to instructions, and just as quick to get all the slackers in line,” she praised. “I’d say you’re doing my job better than me if it weren’t for the fact that it’s your job now. So how about it… celebration lunch?”

Luther was caught off-guard by the way Emily was sending him a now nervous glance. Was he being… was he being asked out? He nodded quickly, unsure if he’d get the courage if he took another second to think.

“Yeah- yeah sure! Where do you want to go?” he asked.

“There’s this new burger place. Best sloppy joes around,” she said with a playful smile.

“Isn’t that messy?” Luther asked.

“That’s what I like about it,” she replied just as easily.

Luther nodded, sending her a grin. With Emily things just fit right in place. He was glad to have found her. He felt a little sad when she left, but the vest in his hands did take the edge of her disappearance. He was promoted. His first promotion! He should tell his siblings… wait no, that would be a terrible idea. They’d probably laugh at him for being so excited about something so small. Plus it wasn’t like he could be this excited about something they’d all done a decade ago. Yeah, it was best to just keep it to himself.

No, he couldn’t be pessimistic. He had a date!

* * *

Klaus thought that maybe Five was involving himself in something dangerous again. Surely the old man was probably already working in some underground hitman ring or something now that the commission was out of the way. If he was being honest, Klaus didn’t really care if Five wanted to be a hitman again. He was a supportive brother! What he did mind was the fact that Five hadn’t told him a thing and was leaving him out. This was more than a little frustrating, so he took to trying to find that little stash of alcohol he had left around for emergency days to get off that edge. A few sips wouldn’t make a difference would it?

“No, no, I remember putting it here,” he grumbled, pushing up the floorboard.

“Don’t bother.”

“Christ on crackers!” Klaus hissed, holding his chest in alarm as he turned around to see Five behind him.

The ex-hitman was wearing a black business suit, with dress shorts and long socks. Where the old man was shopping was beyond him. Klaus didn’t think the children’s section had anything that professional in it. As usual the little gremlin made his way to the coffee first thing.

“Jesus Five, warn a man,” Klaus said, nerves on end.

Five ignored his irritation as he took another sip of his coffee. “You won’t find your stash there. I burnt it.”

“Wait what? Why would you—um I mean what stash? How dare you accuse me of hiding my addiction?” he said dramatically holding his chest as if he were in pain.

Five pulled out a box of granola bars from the pantry while his brother yapped on when he saw something unsavoury and scowled. He took it out and threw it straight at Klaus’s face.

“Owww what was that for, you meanie?” Klaus groaned, as five continued throwing packets at him.

“Twinkies!” he said in disbelief, throwing his hands up and clenching his jaws as if the word itself burnt him. “Make yourself useful and incinerate these while I’m gone.”

Five dumped his cup back into the sink and jumped to the door to grab his coat. Klaus felt the urge to drink his troubles away again and decided that he didn’t want to stay in the house alone now. He wanted Ben so bad. For now Five would have to do.

“Hey, hey, hey, let me come with,” Klaus said hastily as he pulled out his favourite fuzzy jacket.

Five took a moment to consider before he nodded.

“Then make haste. I have a schedule to keep.”

* * *

“Oh, I know this place. It has really good sloppy joes,” Klaus commented with a laugh as he followed behind his little brother. “Are we going to log in some quality bro time?”

“No, I’m here to interrogate someone, and then I’m off to do some calculations,” he said dismissively.

“Oh, how boring. Who is this someone?” Klaus asked.

“Emily Roginsky. Luther’s date.”

“Oh! You should have lead with that. How interesting!”

Klaus clapped his hands in excitement, and then Five turned to look at him and for a moment he thought he saw the old-man’s face mellow out a little before he sighed, contemplating something and then took out a file. Klaus was more than a little excited when Five handed it to him. Oh goody, now he could be in on the fun! He took the papers and began reading through them in growing amusement and shock.

“You put together an entire case-file for one of Luther’s dates?” he asked in disbelief.

“It’s an extensive background check to ensure my calculations won’t be off in regards to situational anomalies. That’s often why I get my calculations wrong,” he said.

Klaus hummed pretending to understand, when he looked through her case-file and began chuckling. Emily was a furry? There were several pictures of her wearing a red dog suit at conventions.

“Other than her being a fan of Clifford The Big Red Dog, I don’t see why you need to be so worried. What’s she going to do? Yiff him to death,” he laughed.

Five snatched the files from him and snarled. “It’s precisely because she’s a furry that I’m worried.”

“Oh pray tell, why little-brother?”

“Because if you haven’t noticed, Luther is part simian. She could very well be leading on the big-oaf because of her interest in a niche fetish,” Five hissed angrily as they took a seat at the far end of the diner away from the redhead in question.

Klaus blinked and then he couldn’t help the disbelief that coloured his face. So this was what Five was doing! He was stalking his siblings! Of course that was what he was doing! Klaus didn’t know why he was shocked in the first place.

“Ho ho ho the old-man doesn’t want big old Luther to have his heart broken. That’s so sweet,” Klaus said wiping away a tear.

Five took in a deep breath and looked at the ceiling as if he was asking the lord for patience. Klaus was sure God wasn’t the sweet little girl she looked like, so she wasn’t going to grant Five anything right now. Klaus however, was glad he came by on this little adventure. This was turning out to be the most entertainment that he had in a while.

“I can’t believe you never invited me out on more of these,” Klaus said in mock hurt.

“I’m beginning to wonder why I agreed to today in the first place,” Five said, with that ‘don’t test my patience right now’ tone. “I’m going to confront the target. Make sure I can get a read on her motivations. Then I’m dropping you back home while I do my calculations in peace.”

Before Klaus could get a word in Five had teleported right next to the poor girl. He said a quick hello and she jumped in her seat in fright. Klaus chuckled in amusement. As if he was sitting this one out. He picked up his coat and moved closer to her stall to listen in.

“Shouldn’t you be at school right now?”

“Sick day,” Five said, before pulling out a chair and sitting in front of the redhead, and smiling that odd, disingenuous smile of his.

Emily sent the boy a confused look, before turning around to see if she could spot his parents. Unfortunately for her Five was not a patient man.

“Louisiana 2014,” Five said, catching her attention and making Klaus lean in with interest.

“How did you—”

“What are your intentions towards Luther Hargreeves?”

“I um—sorry who are you again?”

“Your intentions towards Luther,” Five pressed.

“Look kid, I don’t know what’s going on, but if you’re trying to threaten me for what I did back then, it’s not going to work. I made mistakes ok, but I don’t intend to do that again, and how do you know Luther anyway?”

“That’s because we’re brothers,” Klaus cut in, taking a seat next to Five.

“What are you—” Five began before Klaus shushed him. “Did you just shush—”

“Shhh,” Klaus continued before turning his charming smile back to Emily. “Don’t mind him. Fivey here, is a grumpy old man at heart. Very paranoid. You know how kids are these days.”

Emily nodded her head in confusion, although she didn’t know what he meant. It was weird watching the kid glare holes straight into the rather attractive older brother’s face. Emily wondered what kind of weirdness she had managed to catch herself in. Thankfully, the older brother seemed not as hostile as the younger one, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least interested in Luther’s family. He didn’t ever talk about them much, other than an odd comment about them being unusual.

“What this angry little gremlin here means to say, is that he’s so _entirely_ concerned about Luther’s happiness. You know how it is—someone like him, so big and dumb. So easily heartbroken,” Klaus said dramatically.

Emily couldn’t help but smile at that. “He is kind of big and dumb,” she said, with a fond chuckle.

Klaus chuckled back and noticed how Five’s shoulders had slumped mildly and he looked a lot less ready to attack the poor girl. Emily looked genuinely enamoured by the idea of a big dumb Luther, and so Klaus wondered why Five even needed to do so much research on her in the first place.

“You really care about him, huh,” Emily asked, before her fondness turned into mild irritation. “But you really shouldn’t be jumping people like that kid.”

“Just making absolutely sure. I’m sure you understand,” he said, with that oddly professional and clipped tone.

She shook her head in disbelief. She really _didn’t_ understand, but it wasn’t like she was going to argue with some intense little teenager. Thankfully for her, the older one dragged away the kid.

“Well ja-ne! Enjoy your date. Tell Luther—well actually probably don’t do that,” Klaus laughed.

“I haven’t finished—” Five began.

“Sayonara!” Klaus interrupted, dragging the boy away.

Emily couldn’t help but giggle perplexed as she watched the two brothers disappear and not a minute later see Luther walk in, with that big goofy smile of his.

“Hey Emily, sorry for the wait—got a little caught up with the paperwork,” he said.

“Not an issue. A few interesting characters decided to keep me company,” she chuckled.

“They weren’t harassing you, were they?” Luther asked, looking entirely too protective.

Emily chuckled. “You could kind of say they were. A quirky man in a skirt and a very angry little boy in a suit, I’d say—so you want to tell me about them?”

“Wait Klaus and Five were here?” Luther asked.

“Brothers of yours?” Emily asked.

“Yeah,” Luther replied awkwardly.

“I want to hear all about them—about you”

Luther smiled. If those two idiots weren’t able to scare Emily off, then there wasn’t any reason to be afraid a few stories would. He grinned as he began opening up about himself for the first time in years.

* * *

“No calculations today old man?” Klaus asked.

Five paused, before a contemplative look took his face. “Do you think she was genuine?”

Klaus took a moment to point to his chest in shock. Was Five asking for his opinion? The old-boy crossed his arms and set his jaw in irritation.

“Yes, I’m asking you, although I wonder if your pea-brain can even process a standard question.”

“Hey, hey, no need to get so defensive little-bro. If you want my opinion, I think she genuinely likes him.”

“…ok.”

“Ok?” Klaus asked in disbelief.

Five was just taking his word for it? He blinked in shock when the little guy bent down and grabbed a twinkie on the floor and threw it at his face with spot-on aim.

“You still haven’t burned these. Get it done, and I’ll let you join in on the vetting process.”

Klaus saluted in affirmation and Five actually smirked at him, granted it was an amused smirk, but it was a smirk, nonetheless. Then he disappeared who knows where. Klaus did a little victory cheer. It only took him 9 months to get the little gremlin to open up. He turned to the empty space besides him.

“You must be proud of me, huh Ben?”

No response. At least he didn’t need one this time to know what Ben must be thinking. He could imagine him there, smiling at him and nodding his head proudly. Klaus thought that maybe it was the little reminders of Ben’s approval that got him through the day. Even after going to the light, his brother managed to nag him, because of course he did.

“Miss you too Ben,” he whispered softly into the empty spot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Klaus decides to start a business venture, and Five wonders when he had suddenly become the resident secretary. Also Vanya’s got a girlfriend and Five is not beneath using said place of business to snoop around and keep his sister safe.

Klaus twirled his chair around, kicking his feet up while balancing a pen in-between his nose and his upper lip. In his defence, it was a lot harder than it looked. In the end he was bored and had no real way to pass the time. He didn’t get any shifts at the local mart anyway, and it wasn’t like he looked forward to his boring, mundane job. He almost wished he was running away from the law and drugging himself up in some back alley. At least life was mildly interesting that way. Unfortunately for him, he had an old man hovering over his shoulder like a particularly violent god-fairy and burning whatever drugs he managed to procure the moment he showed signs of back sliding.

“I’m boooored~” he grumbled.

Five was writing on the walls again. Klaus had put up chalkboard wallpaper for the old man so they wouldn’t get in trouble by the land lady. Still, Klaus had no idea why the gremlin wanted to continue his calculations on the time-stream like an ADHD riddled manic Doctor Who with a terrible caffeine addiction.

“Take your whining elsewhere Klaus, or I will revoke your talking privileges,” Five chided, eyes still scanning his calculations.

“Ok _dad_ ,” he grumbled, folding his arms, and then he lasted all but another minute before he began again. “I’m seriously _boooored_.”

Five sighed, his shoulders slumping and his jaw squaring as he turned around with a less than pleased expression. Five gave his younger brother a particularly harsh look before letting out an aggravated sound.

“I’m reconsidering my choice to live with you,” he began before he resigned himself. “Ok I’ll bite. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even have the capability of planning what I want for breakfast! All I know is, is that this is boring! Where’s the action? Where’s the pizzazz?”

“There is no _pizzazz_. This is the real-world Klaus. If you want excitement go watch a movie or something,” Five said dismissively as he made a shooing gesture.

“But I have work in 4 hours and all I do is scan items and tell people to have a good day, as if any day can be good because I arbitrarily tell them so,” Klaus continued on undeterred.

“Then find another job! I don’t know, go bug someone else!”

 _Another_ _job?_

“Another job,” Klaus whispered as he felt his brain ticking together.

“Yes another job,” Five repeated dryly as he went back to work. “Now leave me alone in peace.”

Klaus was already scrambling out of the door as an idea struck him.

* * *

When Klaus had dragged him from his very important, _pressing_ work for something supposedly important, Five hadn’t expected this. Sure he came along even though he had more important things to do. No, it wasn’t because he was getting soft for his siblings. He would never… it was _definitely_ because even he needed the vitamin D every once in a blue moon. That was _definitely_ it. That didn’t change the fact that he hated having to be Klaus’s chauffer whenever the man needed to go somewhere. It was only going to be time before a cop pulled him over and shit hit the fan, but it hadn’t happened yet, so he was hoping the universe didn’t hate him for some more time.

Clearly, he was wrong, and the universe very much hated Five.

“What is this I’m seeing Klaus?” Five asked with a dangerously low voice.

“This is our new job!” Klaus said excitedly, grinning his way as he pointed at the frosted door.

It read ‘Umbrella Investigations’. Five knew Klaus was an idiot, but this was on a whole another level.

“And what makes you think this is a good idea?” Five demanded in exasperation. “You know we don’t have any legitimate credentials, right? Not to mention the fact that I don’t want to know where you got the money from.”

Klaus clapped his hands and perked up with a nervous chuckle.

“About that,” he laughed nervously. “I may or may not have used our emergency inheritance money to buy this fine establishment.”

Klaus took a moment to read his brother’s face and was surprised when he wasn’t killed. Five looked pissed, and he was doing that thing where his jaw jutted out and he put his hands in his pockets and slouched forward like he was ready for murder, but he was oddly silent.

“Nothing to say mi hermano?” Klaus chuckled nervously.

“You know, I’m pissed but at the same time I’m oddly… proud.”

_What?_

He couldn’t have heard that right. Five was _proud_ of him? _The_ Number Five, who never in his entire life would show even any form of approval for his plans, the same one that was tight lipped with any form of praise, and rather liked to point out the teeny tiny size of his siblings’ brains— was proud of _him_. The family screw-up. _Klaus._

“Me?” Klaus asked incredulously, pointing at his chest in disbelief.

“Yes you—you pea-brained idiot,” Five said, looking away in embarrassment, and failing desperately to hide it. “Don’t look at me like that! It’s just a shocker that you weren’t useless for once and didn’t waste our money on drugs, even if this is still _stupid._ ”

Ah, there was his Five again. Klaus decided to push his luck and take the kid/old-man in a hug. Before he could Five had already teleported away.

“Aw, come here Fivey! We were having a moment!”

“Call me Fivey again and I will cut open your intestines and feed it to you,” Five growled, before he opened the door to their new supposed place of work.

Klaus just laughed as he followed in the old grumpy man inside. He knew Five would be against the idea, so he just chose to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Also he decided to make the entire wall chalkboard wallpaper and added a coffee machine to the side to get his brother on his good side. Apparently Five was that easy to please because Klaus thought he saw the glimmer of a smile on Five’s face.

“With my ability to see the dead, and your ability to snoop around and beat people up, this business will be booming,” Klaus said excitedly as he rubbed his hands. “And most importantly—I won’t be bored!”

Five rose a brow his way, and Klaus knew that for once his brother was approving even a little of his choices. If that smirk was any indication at least.

“I still think the name sucks, but I won’t be so averse to getting involved. If this fails though, you’re paying with your savings,” Five said sternly.

Klaus had never been so sure in his life that he wouldn’t fail at something.

* * *

Five still thought that Klaus was an idiot. Just this once though Klaus had an idea that wasn’t half bad on the surface level. Despite this, he was reminded just how much oversight his siblings lacked. The idea itself wasn’t half bad, and the thought itself that Klaus was doing more with his life and trying to unlock his potential, was what made Five invested in this scheme. He had missed out on so many years, and he regretted every single second he had disappeared from his siblings’ lives.

He often wondered if the apocalypse would have been averted if he simply didn’t jump in the first place, if he just listened and had spared himself 40 years of absolute hell and another 5 years ripping apart his humanity to make it all better. He hadn’t been there for Klaus when he was turning to drugs and OD’d, when Vanya was ostracized, when Allison had a baby, when Diego first started police academy, or even when Luther was sent to the moon. He wasn’t there. But he was here now, and so he wouldn’t discourage Klaus for trying to achieve something, even if his plan was hasty and half-baked. He was here _now_ and that meant even if his siblings were being idiots, he would have their backs. He was certain if he left them on their own, they would probably end the world again, or worse, die doing something unusual and equally asinine.

So before Klaus could start up this new business idea of his, Five went onto the internet and did some good old research. He pulled up as many books on private investigation firms, the legalities behind it and the many, many laws and regulations their firm would have to follow to be considered a legitimate business. The last thing he needed was for Klaus to jump into something, succeed and have his work taken from under him by pencil pushers up in management who were sticklers for rules. Not that Five much cared for rules, but he didn’t want the spark of interest and drive that was finally ignited in his brother to be snuffed out because he lacked oversight.

After months of planning, preparation, finding someone to forge credentials, and setting up a system despite how much Klaus thought it was boring, Five finally thought they were ready to start the business up. At first things were slow going, and what they did get involved with was people looking for missing pets and whatnot, but it wasn’t long until people took note of the Hargreeves name. The Umbrella Academy already had a cult following, and the whole world knew of them, even though the novelty of super-powers had died down after a few years. Most people had more important things to worry about than the supernatural, and the groups that did care weren’t allowed to touch a member of the Academy. They all still surprisingly had their human rights intact. The matter still stood that their fans knew of Klaus’s ability to see the dead, and so it wasn’t so far fetched for Five and Klaus to run around town collecting intel on murders, and other such issues and solving them without police help.

“We have—five—no _seven_ new cases on the line,” Klaus groaned.

Five drank his coffee as he sat down at his personal desk and raised a brow. “Business is booming. Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“But I’m so _tired_ and overworked,” Klaus complained. “And my back is killing me. Do you think we can afford a physical therapist on top of dental?”

“Careful, you’re beginning to sound like Hazel,” Five replied as he filed out some more paperwork.

“How come you never complain?” Klaus mumbled as he picked up his knitting kit and continued where he left off.

“Because it’s hardly more work than I’m used to,” Five began impatiently, before his eyes caught onto a file and frowned.

Klaus noticed the change in Five’s demeanour and leant over Five’s shoulders to take a look. He didn’t know what caught Five’s attention. It was simply titled Sydney Clark.

* * *

“You know, when we made the Umbrella Investigations, I thought we’d finally managed to divert your snoopy behaviour somewhere more healthy,” Klaus sighed.

“Snoopy? You know what, don’t talk,” Five hissed.

“I know you’re very interested in our _riveting_ love lives, but seriously Fivey you gotta let it drop. We’re all adults here,” Klaus insisted as Five looked past a brick wall discreetly at their target.

Five turned to look at Klaus with a raised brow as if he was disbelieving of the whole ‘adult’ part of it. Klaus sighed. He would have to resign himself to Five’s obsession once more. His older-younger brother was very stubborn.

“Ok, ok, how about we snoop around for what we’re being payed to do—you know find out if she’s really siphoning money of to ghost accounts in Mexico,” Klaus tried again.

“You can do that,” Five said dismissively. “I’m going to make sure she’s not a threat.”

“You do realise Vanya is the most powerful of us all right?” Klaus whined.

“And also the most vulnerable—why don’t you go up to her apartment and check if there are any ghosts to talk to while I go do my job.”

That wasn’t really a suggestion, because not a moment later Five had teleported away leaving him by himself. Klaus sighed, dragging his hands down his face.

“Goddamit, is this how you felt Ben?” Klaus mumbled.

* * *

Sydney was going to buy herself a cup of coffee and take a breather from work for a bit. Working as a music director sounded easy enough, but organising events and scheduling recordings was rather tiring. So when she draped her coat on the café chair and sat down, she was expecting to do it alone, and definitely not with a child sitting opposite her sipping the coffee she paid for herself.

He hummed, “Black, no sugar. You’ve got taste.”

Sydney was speechless. What do you even say to someone who just brazenly steals your coffee and then proceeds to act like he owns the room. She’d dealt with a lot of demanding little shits in her job though, so her disbelief was immediately quelled. She snatched the cup off his hands and scowled at him.

“Go bother your parents’ kid. Someone people need to destress after work,” she grumbled before she spat in her cup. Mark the territory and all that.

The kid simply smirked, crossing his legs, and leaning back on the chair as if he wasn’t going to make a move to leave. Then it occurred to her that he looked somewhat familiar. Her overworked brain clicked together, and she remembered just where she’d seen him from.

“You’re Vanya’s brother,” she finally said.

“What an astute observation,” he retorted mockingly, and she bristled. “Well now that we’ve gotten pleasantries out of the way Sydney, I’d like to know whether you’ve realised your digital footprint is terrible.”

“What—”

“You’re off-shore accounts,” Five said snapping his fingers. “Keep up will you.”

“How do you know about that?” she said stiffening.

“I know everything.”

Well wasn’t that an arrogant thing to say. Sydney didn’t want to fight a kid. She already had to deal with Vanya’s crazy family once. First a brother holding a knife to her throat, and now a kid stealing her coffee. Vanya owed her a quiet night with some pizza after this.

“Look, it’s hidden, and if it helps you sleep at night, Vanya knows all about it and she’s not really inclined to care, nor is anyone else unless they’re actively looking for it,” she said, rubbing her forehead to stave off a headache.

Sydney was surprised when the boy pulled out a file and handed it to her. She sent him a raised brow before taking the file and reading through it. What the fuck… she felt herself stiffen as she continued. Then she turned her head up to see the same arrogant little smile on his face. He knew too much.

“Who gave you this information?” she said narrowing her eyes and forgoing all pleasantries.

“A man named William Hadane. He’s currently employing us to look into you, so maybe you really do need to invest in some new firewalls,” Five replied easily.

“William,” she breathed. “That crazy fucker.”

She was too busy freaking out to notice the kid lean in and snap her back to attention. She turned to him and snarled.

“Look kid, this is dangerous stuff ok. I want you out of this business now. Tell your sister to stay away from me for a while too.”

“Why?”

“What part of too dangerous do you not understand?” she asked him unkindly.

“Please I’m a time-travelling assassin. I work with danger. Now I can see that you’re unwilling to get Vanya in danger too, so I’ll cut you a deal. You tell me all about William Hadane and I’ll _solve_ your issue for you. Permanently.”

Sydney was definitely sleep-deprived and more than out of it, but was he still drinking her coffee? Hadn’t she spat in it? Also was a kid telling her he would assassinate someone for her. She rubbed her forehead again and sighed. Then she remembered Vanya’s crazy story, about a time travelling older brother and something about the 60’s. She was very drunk when she had heard that story and Vanya was very tight lipped about it normally. Was this kid actually an old man? She tried to wrap her head around that, but eventually decided that she had a girlfriend who could fly and possibly kill her with the twitch of her finger—so why the hell not?

“He’s my crazy ex—”

* * *

“Five, you didn’t _murder_ our client did you?” Klaus asked in disbelief.

The ex-assassin simply put his legs up on the desk, leant back and sipped his coffee with a smug expression on his face. Klaus sighed and really, _really_ wished he was high right now. He hissed at a ghost that came up to him from the right, and it shimmied on back before he turned back to Five.

“Oh come on, we’re going to be in sooo much trouble,” he whined.

“Relax,” Five said. “I didn’t do it myself. We’re too connected to the target. I called in a favour.”

“With who?” Klaus asked intrigued.

“Just an old friend.”

Five finished his coffee and smiled. It was gratifying to know his siblings were safe and sound. If he hadn’t killed Vanya’s girlfriends crazy ex, he would have most likely done more than just legally implicate Sydney for fraud and money laundering. He was certainly the kind of crazy that resembled one Harold Jenkins. Five felt very justified in ‘snooping’ around as Klaus put it.

“Did this old friend happen to be a Swede?” Klaus asked raising a brow.

“How did you figure?” Five asked curiously.

“He sent me a post-card with a key-chain from… Australia,” Klaus asked baffled.

“Huh, so that’s where he is now.”

“Well, all in a days work huh. Wanna go and ambush Vanya’s date then?” Klaus asked.

Five didn’t even respond to that. He simply teleported to the door and pulled out his coat. He turned back to Klaus.

“Well then, what are you waiting for?”

Klaus giggled, and looked entirely too excited. “Well aren’t we the most annoying siblings.”

Five simply smirked at that. Klaus followed his older-younger brother out happily. The snooping was more than a little off-putting, but he didn’t mind some quality bro-time at the expense of his siblings’ sanity. He turned to lock the door and smiled at his office. He couldn’t believe this was real. Then when he turned to Five, hands in pockets, _waiting_ for him, he felt… not alone.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he said quickly.

Then he joined his brother with a grin on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, so two more siblings to go. We still have Diego and Klaus to go. I can't wait to write more. I just thought that Five and Klaus's abilities work so well together. If Klaus applied his abilities more, then he'd be great as a detective (especially for cold cases), and Five would be amazing to get into places, beat people up (if it's needed), and solve some crimes!


End file.
